Snow Is White and the Seven Dragons

PROLOGUE

It all started with an unfortunate hiccup.

The whole court, in fact the whole kingdom (it was a rather small kingdom, to be fair, with just the one village) was gathered in the Great Hall. A sense of expectation and excitement hung in the air. Breaths were held, and all eyes were riveted on the dais at the back of the Great Hall.

Huge arched stained-glass windows diffused beautifully coloured light across the crowd. The brightest and most colourful light, which issued from the largest, most colourful circular window, fell on the dais and its matching twin thrones.

But that wasn’t what the crowd watched so raptly. It was the pretty carved wooden crib in front of the thrones. The crib had been carved, it was said, by the king's own hands during the queen's pregnancy. People whispered about this among themselves. That a king would stoop to carve a crib was proof of his love and devotion to his wife and baby girl.

The king stood beside the crib, one hand resting on the edge of it, and he looked down at his daughter with a mixture of love and terrible sadness.

The people murmured some more to each other. So tragic how his wife had died in childbirth. Such a beautiful, kind woman, too. So terrible for the king to be left alone to raise the princess. Some wagging tongues said it wouldn’t be long before he remarried. A girl needs a mother, after all.

The huge double doors of the great Hall opened with a dramatic crash that startled everyone into silence. The crowd turned as one to watch the new arrival and gasps shivered in the air.

Her shadow proceeded her, the bright afternoon light behind her silhouetting her. The courtiers and villagers parted ways before her like the sea opening for a prophet, the only sound the scuffing of boots and the whisper of fabric against the stone floor.

The fairy godmother wore a solemn expression and a blue dress, her russet hair pinned up in a rather haphazard bun. She wafted down the alley made by the parted crowd, her feet a few inches off the ground, occasionally breaking her solemn demeanour to smile benevolently at someone or nod a greeting. An astute observer might have noticed a slightly smudged quality to her smile.

While she was busy smiling to her right, she lost track of her direction, drifting too far left and bumping into a man. The impact caused her to lose balance a little, but she righted herself quickly, with only a slight pinwheeling of her arms that knocked just the one wig askew.

An astute observer with a keen sense of smell might have noticed that there was an undertone to her perfume. An undertone that was strongly redolent of brandy.

The fairy godmother continued her progress, wafting up the stairs. She missed in her evaluation of the last step and caught her left foot on its edge, stumbled a little in the air, but this time righted herself without upsetting any wigs—there weren’t any within arms reach.

The fairy godmother landed daintily next to the crib, her feet finally touching the ground. The king looked up at her wordlessly. He nodded once and took a step back, giving his permission for her to perform the birth blessing.

The fairy godmother nodded in response, and she approached the crib.

An astute observer might at this point have noticed the way her feet shuffled slightly when she walked, or the clumsiness of her hands as she reached for the crib.

But there was, sadly, no astute observer present. The crowd gazed raptly at the scene, entranced by the magic that was about to take place, and the king was too lost to his grief.

The fairy godmother looked fondly down at the baby. A pretty baby, she was. Perfect smooth skin, with a little puff of black fuzz on her head, and a perfect rosebud mouth, ever so slightly open as she slept. But then again, babies were all pretty, and fairytale princess babies even more so.

The fairy turned to the crowd. Now was not the time for cooing over the babe, it was time for pomp and circumstance, for ceremony and magic. For drama and awe and wonder—three things the fairy godmother was rather fond of.

She raised both hands. The crowd looked up as one, following her movement as if she were a puppeteer controlling their strings. She reached out into the air next to her, and plucked a magic wand as if it had been floating there the whole time.

The crowd gasped, whispered, and leaned in, craning to see better. The fairy godmother’s solemn expression faltered, letting slip her smugness and enjoyment at the attention.

Since an astute observer was lacking, no one noticed the gentle way she swayed on her feet, the unfocused glaze in her eyes, the cloud of brandy vapour surrounding her.

The fairy godmother raised her wand. "I hereby begin the blessing birth, I mean the birth blessing." She stifled a hiccup with her spare hand, the sound echoing loudly in the expectant and silent Great Hall. She cleared her throat gently, not at all put out by this.

"I hereby name this baby..." Magic gathered thick on the air. No magic in Once-Upon-Thyme was more potent than than that of a naming. The crow held their breath for this most sacred moment in the life of their princess, their future queen, this moment that would determine who the princess she would be. “I name her Snow—hic!—White."

The fairy godmother's eyes widened with shock, her reaction matched by the crowd. A stunned silent hung in the air for a couple of heartbeats.

"Snow Is White?" The crowd whispered, confused. "What kind of a name is that?"

But the magic had already settled. The name had been pronounced, and it could no longer be undone.

"Er, yes." The fairy godmother cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable. "And of course, I grant the princess the usual beauty, um..." She fished two fingers into her corset to pull out a crumpled piece of paper. "Ah, yes. Skin white as snow, lips red as blood, hair black as night." The fairy godmother waved her wand efficiently a few times over the crib. "Sweetness and light, friend of the birds and the small creatures. Gentle and kind. All the princess things. There we are, now. There we are."

She cleared her throat and glanced about the crowd, conspicuously not looking at the king. "There. I declare this baby named.” She carefully avoided repeating the name. “Righty-ho, well, gotta dash. Another baby to name, you know. Things to do, places to be.” She turned to the king briefly and patted his hand. "Terribly sorry your wife died, of course. Such a tragedy.” She glanced awkwardly one final time at the crowd. "Er, yes. Wonderful. Blessings and happiness on all present.”

She waved her wand and disappeared in a puff of blue  smoke.

   ***

A little beyond the castle walls, on the side of the large dirt road that led away from the castle, the fairy godmother reappeared in a puff of smoke. She coughed, fanned the air around her, and tugged at her corset to readjust her dress. With a satisfied nod, she dusted off her skirts. 

“That went quite well,” she said to no one in particular. 

The afternoon was pleasant, the sun golden, making the fresh leaves on the nearby bushes look bright and vibrant.

"Mirabelle," a ten-year-old girl hissed, poking her head out from behind a bush. Mirabelle jumped, squawking.

"Grimhelda!" Mirabelle pressed a hand to her ample bosom. "You startled me. What on earth are you doing, skulking back there?"

The girl stepped out from behind the bush. She was uncommonly pretty, with rich chestnut hair, fine features, and large brown eyes lined with thick lashes. Womanhood wasn’t yet on her, but it was clear she would be devastatingly beautiful as an adult.

"I wanted to get a look at the naming, but I'm not allowed to go in there."

“Of course not. But you’ll have plenty of time to nose around once you live there.”

Grimhelda bit her lip and glanced at at the castle. "What's he like? The king?"

"I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him, but you know, the usual. Kind, beset with grief, dotes on his daughter, mourns his wife.” Mirabelle hiccuped, not quite managing to catch the sound in her left fist.

"I can't believe I'm going to have to marry him," Grimhelda made a face. "Yuck. He’s so old.”

“You’re not marrying him for another ten years," Mirabelle reminded her. “And he’s only twenty three now, which is far from old. Take it from me. I thought he was pretty handsome, grief not withstanding…”

"I wish I was never marrying him. I don’t want to be married.”

"Well, at least wicked queens are never married for very long."

“That’s true.” Grimhelda smiled. “And the baby? What’s she like?"

"Hard to tell when they're that small. I expect she’ll be very normal for a princess. Sweet, patient, kind. You know, the usual.”

“And her name?"

A flash of discomfort skittered across the fairy godmother's features. "Mind your own business,” she sniffed. “You're not married into that family yet."

"I'm going to be in ten years, so I might as well find out now the name of the girl who's going to be my..." Grimhelda shivered. "Stepdaughter." She made a face again. "Ugh. I don’t want a stepdaughter. I don’t think I ever want children.”

"Well you can find out your future stepdaughter’s name in due course," Mirabelle said primly. "Anyway, little girls shouldn't pry."

"I can find out by myself," Grimhelda countered. “I’ve got my own magic, remember, since I'm to become a wicked queen." She frowned in concentration for a moment, and then her eyes widened with confusion. "Snow Is White? That's really what you named the baby? What kind of name is that?"

"The name her mother wanted for her," Mirabelle replied defensively.

Grimhelda raised an eyebrow. "You're telling me the late queen wanted to give her daughter a sentence for a name, complete with verb?"

Mirabelle hiccuped before she could reply. Grimhelda sniffed and then gasped.

"You're drunk!"

"Am not. I just had a bit of brandy before the naming ceremony, that's all. I always have a snifter of brandy before an important moment. To steady the nerves, you know.”

Grimhelda rolled her eyes. “You’ve never been nervous a day in your life.”

“I’ll have you know that I have a delicate disposition with nerves that are easily frayed, and that require care.”

“Ha, you’re as delicate as I’m old.”

“I’ll thank you not to talk to me like that,” Mirabelle snapped. “You’re ten, you’re not suppose to sass fairy godmothers.”

“I’m not a normal ten-year-old,” Grimhelda replied. “Plus, I’m supposed to be unpleasant—I’m destined to be a wicked queen.”

“Be that as it may, I don't answer to you. I named the baby, as I was supposed to, and that's all there is to it. Now, I've got to dash. Another baby to name. Um..." She fished the piece of crumpled paper from her corset once more. "Ah, yes. Adrianna. Better run."

“Wait. You're just going to leave me?" Grimhelda asked in a small voice, all her previous confidence and sass gone.

Mirabelle paused and gave the girl a kindly look, reaching out to pat her cheek. "Don't think too much about your future as a wicked queen, my sweet. Enjoy these years you have for now, when you have your freedom, before the storylines start to truly set the wheels in motion.”

“I wish I didn’t have to become a wicked queen,” Grimhelda whispered. “I didn’t ask for this.”

Mirabelle leaned over, her breath rich with the smell of brandy. “If you want to know what I think, better to be a wicked queen than a princess. They tend to live longer, for one, and you get to do what you want for most of that time. If you were a princess, you’d have to be locked in a tower or made mute or something. And as a wicked queen, once the prince comes along and boots you out of the castle, you get to live out your days peacefully retired, away from all this nonsense.”

Grimhelda nodded. “Yes, then I can have a small cottage. I can fill it with books, get a pretty tea set and a cat, and I’ll be happy.”

“Exactly. The wicked queen part is an unpleasant but short interlude before you get there. Now, pet, I really have to run. I'm going to… what’s it called again? Ah, yes, Veridi castle. They're expecting me for more than just a naming. I'm to be the fairy godmother in residence."

“You’re staying there for good? Why can’t I have a fairy godmother to watch over me?”

Mirabelle sighed. “Wicked queens don’t get a fairy godmother, you know that. That’s why you have your own magic.”

“But that means I’m all alone.” Grimhelda’s eyes brimmed with tears.

Mirabelle glanced around, making sure they were far from prying eyes. Fairy godmothers weren’t supposed to cavort with wicked queens in waiting, after all. “Tell you what, I'll come visit you regularly, then it will be like you do have a fairy godmother. How does that sound?”

The girl brightened up at that, and Mirabelle grabbed her into a hug. “Aw my pet, fairytales aren’t easy.”

“Fairytales suck.” Grimhelda’s voice was muffled against the fairy’s shoulder.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have a choice but to live by them.” Mirabelle stepped back. “And now I really have to dash. I shouldn’t have booked two namings back to back. Bad enough that I…"

“Screwed up the first one?" Grimhelda asked, grinning.

“Hush now.”

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.”

"Thanks, pet.”

Grimhelda gave a wicked grin, a flash of the queen she would become. “People are too stupid to think for themselves and notice, anyway.”

Mirabelle frowned. “You shouldn’t say such things.”

Grimhelda shrugged. “Well it’s true. Anyway, I'm supposed to say these thing. I'm supposed to be wicked.”

"Well, I'll still tell you off for it."

"Deal."

Mirabelle patted her cheek. “I’ll be back to see you soon." When Grimhelda’s eyes filled with worry again, Mirabelle paused. “And once your storyline truly starts, once you marry the king, if you need me you can call for me, and I’ll come to you. It will be fine, Grimhelda. All will work out in the end.”

And the fairy godmother winked out.

CHAPTER 1

The knock at the door was discreet, deferential. "Your Royal Highness?"

Grimhelda was sprawled across her bed, still in her nightdress, a thick book open in her hands. Several piles of books were scattered across the foot of her bed, with more books on the floor. The room was opulent, with silk drapes at the window and gilding on the furniture. An inordinate number of mirrors covered the walls, with an additional triptych at the vanity and a selection of silver handheld mirrors on the nightstand.

Grimhelda didn't like having so many mirrors, but it couldn't be helped. A wicked queen, especially one as beautiful as her, was supposed to preen and be obsessed with her appearance. And in truth, a part of Grimhelda enjoyed the mirrors, just as she enjoyed the attention, the looks people gave her. Being beautiful was a nice thing, after all. Who wouldn’t want to be gorgeous?

But she also knew her looks would get wrenched away when the Happy Ever After came, so she was trying to control the part of her who wanted to preen in front of all the mirrors. The Happy Ever After meant she’d be forced to leave the castle as an ugly spinster, a prematurely wrinkled old woman, to go live out her days in solitude in a little cottage lost in the woods somewhere, forgotten and irrelevant.

But, Grimhelda had a plan. The cottage would be filled with books. It would have a cat—black, of course. There would be a nice tea set. There’d be shelves with dried herbs and spices and a small fireplace. It would be a cozy haven, a place she could read all day every day without anyone bothering her. Grimhelda’s plans for retirement sounded blissful, far better than being a beautiful wicked queen forced to rule over a kingdom she didn’t want.

The knock at the door came again. Grimhelda turned the page, ignoring it. It came a third time, a little more insistent this time. "I know you're there, Royal Highness." The last was added in irritatingly polite and gracious tones, the kind that set her teeth on edge.

Grimhelda made an angry huffing sound, throwing herself back on her bed, book against her chest.

"What, Bradford?" she snapped.

The door opened and a small, neat man entered. He wore a sober midnight blue suit with a discrete gold pin at his breast to indicate that he was her chief adviser. His hair was hidden beneath a tidy grey wig, the pouches beneath his eyes speaking to the late and sleepless nights he spent poring over the finance ledgers. "There’s an issue with the village mill."

Grimhelda sighed. "There's always an issue with the village mill."

"It's all the snow and ice," Bradford said carefully.

"Yes, yes. I know. The snow and ice that descended on the kingdom ever since I became wicked queen." She threw Bradford a look. "I wasn't supposed to rule for this long. I was supposed to swan in, be beautiful and vapid and mean for a few years. Then Snow was supposed to meet a prince, gets married, Happy Ever After, all the snow and ice disappears, and I get booted out of the castle and into retirement."

Bradford cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yes, your Royal Highness." He never liked it when she referred to things in such a straightforward manner.

"I don't want to rule, Bradford. In fact, I’m not meant to rule. I'm meant to say things like 'less is more', or 'thin is in', or 'if they can't make bread, then let them eat cake'. Preferably while wearing a negligé that’s worth more than a year’s income for a villager.”

"Yes," Bradford said.

"I'm not supposed to be the good one," Grimhelda added pointedly. "I'm the wicked one, and I'm very good at it. It's not my fault the good one is so useless at playing her role."

"Yes," Bardford said.

"It's not my fault that my reign is lasting way longer than it should.” Grimhelda was growing annoyed. “I didn’t want this, nobody wanted this.”

"Yes," Bradford said.

"Oh my goodness, man!” She tossed her book aside, throwing her hands in the air. “Stop harassing me in this way. Fine, fine. You win. I'll go sort out this mill issue. But you better make sure nobody knows about it. If anyone hears that I fixed the mill, I will wring your throat myself."

"Absolutely." Bradford smiled broadly.

“I mean it, Bradford. If I hear the slightest good thing said about me, I will roast your feet over the fire.”

“Of course.”

“I will douse you with honey and feed you to the ants. I’ll have you paint the castle’s spiky gate with your tongue. I’ll turn you into a toad and have your pustules squeezed daily for poison for my potions.”

“Quite so, Your Royal Highness.”

“I will turn you into a flea and send you to live on the back of a cantankerous swamp beast.” Threatening Bradford had become something of a fun hobby.

“You can rest assured, Highness, that I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone.”

“I hope not,” Grimhelda groused. “I worked damn hard to build my reputation as Wicked Queen, and it’s not for people to suddenly start thinking well of me.”

“Of course not.”

“In fact after I’m done you should tell the people that their queen has spent all their taxes on anti-wrinkle cream.”

“I will say that to the exact word. Might I suggest the addition of a facial made of goblin snot?”

Grimhelda wrinkled her nose. “Ew! Is that a thing?”

“Apparently so. I’m told of a beautiful witch who’s also trying to keep her looks, and she swears by them.”

“What do you mean ‘also trying to keep her looks’?”

“Err, I mean that unlike your beauty which is completely natural, she’s having to resort to all kinds of concoctions.”

“Well done, Bradford, good save.”

“Thank you, Highness.”

“And yes, you may tell the people that I slather goblin snot on my face.” Grimhelda grabbed her books and flicked back to her page. 

“Of course. So… does that mean Your Highness will take a look at the mill?”

Grimhelda rolled her eyes to the sky.

“Your Highness did say—”

“Yes, yes, I'll get to it.”

"Only the villagers are getting hungry, so now might be better than later."

Grimhelda snapped her book shut with a huff. Such a good book, too. It took place in a tropical city, and the main character was an assassin with a fear of blood. She found him rather entertaining.

She shuffled to the edge of her bed and clambered down. It was a tall bed, although not as tall as the pea princess’s, of course. But still tall enough to be as imposing as was needed for a Wicked Queen.

Bradford beamed. “Thank you Highness. You’ll also be pleased to hear that Snow Is White has a visitor.”

Grimhelda spun around, her nightdress whirling around her. “A visitor? What visitor? Is it a prince?”

“…Yes.”

“And you waited this long to tell me? Bradford! What is wrong with you! This could be a potential suitor! The start of the Happy Ever After!” She sprinted out the door, her book entirely forgotten.

"What about the mill?" Bradford called behind her.

“It can wait!” Grimhelda shouted over her shoulder as she rushed out into the corridor. “In the meantime just tell the villagers that thin is in and to eat cake!”